The Wee Hours

Sometimes sleep is disturbed by Skidmore Students outside our house, or the dog barking... tonight it is the ventilator alarm, the chiming indicates that Toren is breathing too rapidly... his poor chest lifts and falls at an frightening speed... the nurse comes... the minute lasts forever... and then it really stretches into two or three, the flashing of the monitor screen, the sound of the suctioning of his tube, the look of focus on the nurse's face, the light frown between his eyebrows... and the sound of my own voice chanting what I only hope is soothing notes... And then a little relief, he slows a little, for a minute I keep singing and the angel of mercy garbed in pink scrubs returns with the tiny bottle of magic, a small extra dose of pain medication... I keep singing, he keeps slowing his breath... but not enough to still the flashing lights, the warning messages the jump off the screen and burn themselves into my mind... and then the tube is opened and the magic potion pours into Toren, number by number his heart rate drops, the flashing signs disappear and his chest stops quivering like the heart of a frightened rabbit... I keep holding his hand, my voice is the last warbelling trace of the bump in the road... Tonight we have hit this bump 4 times... and each time we move through it I am grateful beyond measure to land softly, trembling on the other side...This leg of the journey is like find a patch of moguls on the mountain and not having the skill to hop lightly from top to top, but bounce breathlessly with only prayer and God's grace holding you upright... I am tired, but charged the nurse walks away calm, secure in her skills, his youthful strength, and the compassionate instruction to me... Get some sleep. Toren slumbers drugged into a quiet his healing body so sorely needs... and I turn to my own form of comfort... committing experience into words, hoping that as they land on the page they leave space in my being of quiet and wholeness. Ah the tired body craves the hospital chair... even more than my own bed... because this chair keeps me close to my beloved Toren.