The Recovery Rollercoaster Ride

It is Tuesday morning and for hours and hours I have watched Toren in a strange disoriented state, manifesting all sorts of strange seizure and non seizure type actions. The doctors are waiting and watching. I am praying. He hasn't been able to communicate, walk, manage most movements of his body. It is like he is locked behind a wall and struggling to get out. Of everything we have travelled through together this past 17 months, this is on par with the worst. And having spent enough weeks in Rehab Hospitals is penetrates to my deepest fears, that Toren will get lost somewhere inside his brain, and not be able to share himself with us. All night he alternated between restless sleep and seizure like posturing. I feel like any minute he might suddenly snap out of it and be with us again. but while he is not as overcome now as he was yesterday, he is still beyond our reach.
Today I will be pushing for an MRI to see if we can understand on film what is not clear to us from the outside symptoms. Maybe we can gain some knowledge that will allow us to start to treat more effectively. A small percentage of patients with Epilepsy (15%), also have a condition called PNES which means they have seizure type reactions without the brain activity that determines Epilepsy... this might be the newest complication that we are looking at. I hope and pray that Toren rejoins us soon, that the bright smile he was sharing with us yesterday morning returns along with the corny jokes (yes I know they will bore me quickly enough) that are his forte. I want to see that enthusiastic man determined to be independent and strong, whose physical body bounces back carrying him forward towards recovering cognitively.
It is hard to express adequately enough the compassion of the nurses. They are so good and caring and make this impossible journey manageable step by step.
Toren needs our prayers and our love. He has so much to offer, and gives so generously of himself. During his brief time of awareness and regaining of strength he was heartened by the outpouring of love and support that our communities have showered on us. He thanked everyone who walked into his room... including those who came to sample his blood. He was energetic and determined, and yes very frightened by what had happened to him. We talked about wanting to have a fun outing after all this was behind us... Toren suggested a tropical Island - we might limit it to Florida... but season it with swimming with dolphins. I have been trying to lure him back into this world (although why anyone would desire to be present in the ICU by day 13 is beyond me) with promises of fun, bowling with the Lowes gang. Horseback riding in the Adirondacks... and yes I have broken down... a dog.
Thank you all for being there, for caring, for holding us in your hearts, and for creating a circle of love around us as we continue to battle for Toren's recovery, may it come soon.