Teasing Apart the Challenge

Dear Ones

It is Wednesday morning.

Both Toren and I are more tired than a couple of days in hospital merits, but it is the length of the whole journey that is wearying.

He is having many episodes each day... they are tiring in and of themselves. They appear not to be seizures - but some sort of other convulsive event. It is possible that this is a response to the medical cocktail. The last 36 hours have been about observation, and data collection. Now today, hopefully we will start to get a clearer picture as to how to proceed... because this is really unpleasant for Toren... and is clearly leaving him distressed, confused and he is loosing some small parts of his very hard won recovery. That being said... he beat me at Blokus once yesterday, and is still very chatty and aware of what is what... he is very upbeat most of the time.

Yesterday was a long day... but Eve joined us for dinner and Toren was thrilled to see her, we caught up a bit, it was the perfect close to our day. Dr. Doyle came by and visited. Toren was delighted to see him... concerned with his health and wellbeing (the doctors) - so very Toren - but he was very clear that he wanted to let Dr.Doyle know that he feels the surgery has made a positive change, and he feels safer for it. It is pieces of clarity and expanded vision during the day that make being here so important to me. Toren is truly grateful for so much, he is inspirational, living in the now, but also dreaming, and working towards an even richer tomorrow. He was as thrilled to see the kind lady who delivers his meals on HCC12 as the familiar faces of doctors and nurses, giving her a big hug, wishing her a good afternoon off.

Thank you for the messages, the calls, emails and the offers for practical help. Right now we are holding steady. Visits down here are so long - just the car ride from home is 7 hours plus round trip, I am reluctant to drain anyone's resources, and yet company definitely helps a lot. That being said, Eve will most probably come by tonight again, and that will be great. Fiona hopes to be able to get in for a while tomorrow... and if we are not homeward bound by then.... well... come visit me at wherever they put me in the padded cell!!!!!

In truth, Helaini will come down for the weekend if we are still here... I hope that we come up with a medical plan - start to make some changes, and then head home keeping close contact with his wonderful doctors, and of course that somehow, we get another miracle and these convulsions stop.

Toren is resting peacefully as I write this, the sun has risen, and I can see pigeons flying around from balcony to balcony. The trees on the rooftops here are still green... so strange after all that colour at home. We had a kindly roommate who left yesterday... Toren was sorry that he didn't get to wish him well.... he was meeting with Dr. Doyle during the departure. He was a young man in his early 30s his mother too was by his side. This honor - to be there for those one loves, is humbling, there is so little one can do, it is truly an act of being human, versus - doing human.

I feel renewed determination to live wisely, and generously. To be as kind to myself as I try to be to others. There is so much to learn in this simple white walled room, overlooking this temple to material aspirations, built on the foundations of thousands of hopes for the freedom to be. Ah.... well here comes the breakfast tray.

blessings

I have been staying here - that is the right choice for now.